You see the hire industry is littered with waifs, strays and fraudsters; people who are able to shy away from budgets, targets and spend per heads as the intense seasonal nature of the business – with its literal bi-annual flood of cash – allows hiding places for these lazy, complacent and inept ‘professionals’ who claim to be an integral part of it’s ongoing success. They’ve been about for years, have grand titles, are often dysfunctional insecure people and the only thing you can be absolutely sure off is that they are always shit at their jobs. Identifying these people was my achilles heel – of that there can be no question. If I could go back this is one area I would focus on. However I can’t - don’t actually want to – and shouldn’t do even if I could as hindsight is not so much a wonderful thing but a powerful one. Personally I see it as the single most powerful tool in developing yourself and the decisions you make going forward in business.

That’s why I’ve gone and bottled my personal collection of this hindsight stuff – supported by a shed-load of new kit for hire - across the Irish Sea and dumped it smack bang in the middle of Northern Ireland. Northern Hire Ltd was born January 2012 – I’m original with company names if nothing else - and so if anyone knows of anyone who fancies a proper job heading up a hire unit in Norn-Iron please point them in my direction. I’m looking for someone who has real experience in balancing costs against being popular, has a natural flair for business development and isn’t a waste of precious air.

Remuneration you ask? I’m not fussed – whoever applies can tell me what they think the position is worth based on what they’re going to bring to the party. I’ve heard and seen it all before so, sincerely, don’t be afraid to ask – just be prepared for my honest and frank reply. Jokers, dreamers and blatant bull-shitters need not apply. Experience in the hire and rental industry is certainly NOT needed however people who REALLY understand the workings and pressures of a professional hospitality environment – and are confident to communicate with people at all levels employed within it - is. Thick skin, a good sense of dry humour and the ability to think on their feet are handy skills to bring to the table as well. So hindsight tells me anyway…

Andy

I’m a caterer. I’ve been in the industry since I left school. I’ve not done anything else. At first this was because I couldn’t – I ceratinly wasn’t Doctor material - but in a short space of time I fell in love with the industry. I may not be rich in the £ sense but i’m minted with people skills, wealthy from the awesome people i’ve worked alongside and affluent with the memories that i’ve made peoples special occassions memorable to them.

So why now am I so frustrated with the industry I fell for? In a nut-shell, there’s too many arseholes in it who think – and acutally believe – that they’re a bit special.

Over the past few months i’ve communicated with a number of people – primarily from a Chef speciality, offering speciality services in a specialised industry; their words not mine - with regards developing the small retail shop and mobile fun-bus that currently make up the Chef Up North brand – with the hope of pushing the business smack bang into the middle of what Chefs need, want, desire and care for in the North of England. Interestingly, and without exception, each of these people have proved to be ignorant, arrogant and generally very, very un-helpful and patronising. I can only assume that this is because I have no star experience, haven’t worked under one of the gods of ghoulash, have never had butterflies when faced with a media friendly chef and didn’t profess to be an established, successful small businessman. I just wanted to be judged – in this situation – solely on the idea and concept of Chef Up North.

Truthfully if this had been my first venture into the world of small business I would probably have thrown in the preverbial oven-cloth gone home and cried to my Mum that all these wannabe celebrity chefs are tossers (most are self publicised, via social media and the like). Thankfully however that’s not the case and neither are the majority of culinary professionals I have the pleasure in knowing both professionally and socially.

Chef Up North is my way of giving something back to the industry I care so passionately about – remembering the glory days when I took my first position of employment for £250 per month live-in down Oxfordshire way - so I’ll continue to knock out basic knife starter sets for new-starter chefs AT COST, I’ll carry on embroidering a brigades tunics and jackets for FREE, I’ll maintain sponsorship of a few young chefs so they can attend competitions and exhibitions within the UK - hoping that some of the money gets spent on a few beers as I would expect no less and would certainly do the same myself - and i’ll certainly continue to offer interest free payment plans for all chefs who need to spread the cost of re-investing in their trade tools.

So to all the media crazy, popularity focussed joker chefs out there – piss off and shop elsewhere, I don’t want or need your business. This isn’t because the Chef Up North brand is bullet-proof and bank rolled by a consortium of Singapore businessmen it’s because i’m time served and, aside from the dinky chef shop and funky fun-bus, i’ve managed to keep it real in the world of small business.

Fancy a coffee? Give me a shout – i’ve got one of those coffee shop things, does rather well thankyou! Need to hire event furniture? Drop me an email; i’ve got plenty – along with a few thousand covers of everything to go with it and some serious ovens, hot plates, jackstacks and refrigeration to boot. Does your office need a vending machine for your employees? Tweet me – i’ve got a dozen or so (15 to be precise). Fridge van? Actually i’ve got none of these, but if it’s a fridge trailer you need – let me know as i’ve got a couple parked up ready for work! Arrogance? I think not. I holiday in a caravan as my 7 year old son and I love it, I drive a 4×4 as I can put 100% of my fuel receipts through and I buy a lot of supermarket own labelled food as I like to watch the pennies. 

This industry is special to me and no matter how many self indulgent tossers somehow manage to forge a career from it – by no longer even picking up a knife – i’ll still be here, in the mix so to speak.

So a quick message to all the special ones out there…

Please continue punting your ridicolous ideas and offers, shout even louder about how you were once great and keep believing more each day that your the one that everyone listens to. Keep this up and slowly but surely people will start ignoring your emails, buttoning your calls, fail to retweet your waffle and then, one beautiful sunny morning, you’ll pail into insignifance where you’ve always belonged. Wankers.

Respect to all out there that are pushing on, delivering to the max of your ability, loving what you do and helping create peoples memories. You’re the real stars, the people that are keeping this industry alive and well. The rest of you that think you’re above this please just take a minute, look in a mirror; are you truly happy with what you see? You know who you are don’t you…

This way I guarantee their condition hire after hire, I don’t have fools tampering with switches, knobs and lights and am able to remove the consistent and very real problem of the general public.

So if you’re a caterer, chef, restauranteur (or similar) give me a shout; I’ve got some buzzing units to keep your food and drink cool. If your Mr Smith from down suburbia way - try Petit Forestier.

Push on Chefs, the season of salad is nearly upon us…

But we don’t.

So here’s a brief summary of April’s stupid questions that are absolutely real and genuine. We simply didn’t have (and didn’t bother replying with) an answer for…

1) What size engine do your fridge trailers have?

2) Does the Henckels Pro-S Boning Knife you have in your shop have an instruction leaflet with it?

3) How many litres of liquid can your small whisks whisk?

4) I’m vegetarian, what are your ceramic baking beans made from?

And the United Kingdom is rated 10th in the world for highest average IQ’s?!?

Also, i’m not a law breaker. Far from it. I even pay tax. Or am I… (a law breaker that is, I pay my taxes every year. Honest.)

So tell me Trading Standards when challenged by someone who says they sent someone in who claimed to be (thats the second person who claimed to be) a trainee chef, who didn’t have tracky bottoms tucked into their socks and weren’t wearing shiny white trainers from littlewoods what the f*ck should I do? Tell them to do one and make sure their balls have dropped before they come back? Or perhaps refuse service to them and restrict their ability to purchase tools that are essential for them to train in a job (yes to all you Civil Servants out there – I did say job – a f*cking job – that’s where you have to actually do something for your salary or wages) that may just give them a long-term secure and rewarding career with prospects over and above the benefit system?

Bring the full force of the law down on me, i’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

Take your time, love the blade and it will love you back. It’s an art, a skill – it’s not an excuse to look like a lunatic in front of your service staff.

We’ve put a butchers block in the shop, thrown a few sharpeners and steels on it and invite you to come along and sharpen your knives using some of the best kit available in the marketplace today, free of charge. If pushed for time – leave them with us and we’ll do them for you but please remember – respect the steel, you’ll need it to achieve…

Push on and enjoy the sunshine…

Whilst I encourage the development and advancement (is that a word?) of professional hygiene and safety standards in all commercial kitchens my moan is that there is absolutely no framework for measuring uniformity of standards across differing styles of operations.

The ease at which EHOs can enter premises (for which I am 100% in agreement by the way) is the easy part. It’s the follow-up; via requirements, guidance, training or simple recommendations that is un-balanced business-to-business. Yes, we all know they have the power to take immediate and decisive action but I refer to my earlier point at the end of paragraph one.

Now I reckon many chefs will be in disagreement with this so allow me to explain that I reckon those who disagree are probably the ones who embrace a visit from an EHO as they appreciate the importance of their role within the industry. They’re probably also the ones that want to continue developing their own personal standards through good hygiene and safety practices alongside utilising a solid HACCP system to protect them, their team and the customers who pay for the pleasure of eating what they create. There’s also a chance that they’re the talented ones with craft skills that are the envy of many of their peers with a team that realise working alongside them will ultimately progress their own skill set.

It’s the ones that get away with it that de-value the system and are, in certain real-life cases, making a mockery of the whole thing. Cost and time are the two most commonly bantered about words used as an excuse for not doing the basics such as paying for gas to heat the water, training staff to store food safely or by simply not providing the tools required to do the job. These are also the ones that know how to play the system – by any means necessary – to ensure they continue to operate in conditions that should not be accepted by the visiting authorities.

Scores on the doors has addressed this issue to a very small degree with a healthy amount of professional chefs and small business owners that I know taking pride from their star rating and advertising it on their business literature and websites but there remains a more significant number of food premises out there that seem to be exempt from having to do anything about their bad practice.

Personally I’m for a chefs passport type system. Not quite on the cat and dog system of international travel as humorous as that may be – I’m thinking more of a career passport stamped as and when a premises are assessed and visited by the powers that be and the chef carries this passport with them as they progress their career. Recording the path of a professional chef can realistically do no harm (unless you’re further left than that Galloway bloke) as both long term vision and traceability will give only increased weight to current and future positions and professional standing. Wheat and chaff. In today’s technologically advanced world it surely shouldn’t be too difficult to hook up a big computer in a government office somewhere to collate and make sense of all this info?!? It’ll also help in eliminating the ‘couldn’t care less’ and ‘I only cut carrots’ brigade which, if we’re all honest, would be no loss to our profession.

Anyway, regardless of what I think, the fact remains that standards are double and whilst some gladly conform others don’t appear to have to even try. There is tremendous confusion about what is required depending which county and type of establishment within this fair kingdom you cross blades in.

I was confused earlier but now I’m at a loss.

Moving away from traditional white they’ve opted for nice black numbers, complete with the revitalised Headingley Experience logo, partnered with black and white striped aprons and some fitted De Berkel black trousers.

I think its important to give a special mention to one of the Headingley Chefs who won’t be at the stoves tonight after undergoing a knee operation this week – Mr Phil Moore. Get well soon mate. Marching on together…

Apparently this is all now rectified and was a server issue (we’ve all had them in the past I guess, the ones stood near the pass who don’t listen are the worst culprits in my experience) however I would just like to personally say sorry if this did cause inconvenience to anyone. We’re assured it won’t be happening again.

Dashing to prep a traditional beef and ale for tea, happy British pie week everyone…